My Battle Wth Food

 As a child I was taught by my grandma to finish my plate in order to get dessert. I was a lean girl when I lived with my grandparents. As I got older, I got weekend visitation with my mom and dad. When I would stay there, I ate less food, but it was fast food and starchy foods like Ramen noodles. I started to get pudgy. I ended up moving back with my parents. I stayed a pudgy girl until I was about twelve. At twelve, I stopped eating lunch at school. I once again was lean. After some difficult times, i ended up in a foster home. I gained weight from eating a LOT. I would eat as much as three people. I became chubby. My foster dad made fun of my weight. It didn't help. I got to go back to my parents when I was 14. I started working out for 3 months and trimmed down. A few months later, I started getting the depo shot. I gained 90 pounds and became "obese". I stayed that way for quite a while, eating to feel better, even though it always made me feel worse. After high school ended, I had to live in a shelter. I was forced to be active there, since we had to be out of the home at 6 am until 6 pm. I also became friends with a staff member there who had a girlfriend that was into gymnastics. We talked about food and eating habits and what was healthy. I started to follow his advice. I started losing weight. I started skipping lunch. I lost more weight. I started throwing up my food. I lost even more. but i was scared to do it often I didn't want anyone to find out. After a few months at the shelter, I got an apartment. I barely ate anything, unless around friends. I was at my skinniest. I met my husband and got pregnant. I gained a LOT and become obese again. My eating habits changed to gorging myself. I did not throw up anymore. A few years go by and I gradually got down to chubby again. I got pregnant again. This pregnancy was hard. It caused me to vomit ALL the time. After the birth I noticed I barely ate at all. I started forcing myself to eat at regular times. I got bad pains in my stomach that I mistook for indigestion. I end up puking from the pains. I lost a lot of weight. I found out I had gallstones and had them removed. My eating habits became normal and I stayed a steady weight. A friend ended up moving in. That friend ate a lot. I ended up keeping up. It made me feel fat. I ended up binging and purging. This friend moved out. I no longer competed. Now I am still struggling with food. Sometimes I can't tell if I am hungry. Other times I can't tell if I'm full. No matter my size, I still feel fat. But thanks to my husband, I feel beautiful anyway. It doesn't matter what size I am because I do my best to be a good person and treat others how I would want to be treated. I have a lovely face, and a great shape. I am me. I will never not feel fat, and I'm ok with that.