Thursday, February 10, 2011

My Battle Wth Food

 As a child I was taught by my grandma to finish my plate in order to get dessert. I was a lean girl when I lived with my grandparents. As I got older, I got weekend visitation with my mom and dad. When I would stay there, I ate less food, but it was fast food and starchy foods like Ramen noodles. I started to get pudgy. I ended up moving back with my parents. I stayed a pudgy girl until I was about twelve. At twelve, I stopped eating lunch at school. I once again was lean. After some difficult times, i ended up in a foster home. I gained weight from eating a LOT. I would eat as much as three people. I became chubby. My foster dad made fun of my weight. It didn't help. I got to go back to my parents when I was 14. I started working out for 3 months and trimmed down. A few months later, I started getting the depo shot. I gained 90 pounds and became "obese". I stayed that way for quite a while, eating to feel better, even though it always made me feel worse. After high school ended, I had to live in a shelter. I was forced to be active there, since we had to be out of the home at 6 am until 6 pm. I also became friends with a staff member there who had a girlfriend that was into gymnastics. We talked about food and eating habits and what was healthy. I started to follow his advice. I started losing weight. I started skipping lunch. I lost more weight. I started throwing up my food. I lost even more. but i was scared to do it often I didn't want anyone to find out. After a few months at the shelter, I got an apartment. I barely ate anything, unless around friends. I was at my skinniest. I met my husband and got pregnant. I gained a LOT and become obese again. My eating habits changed to gorging myself. I did not throw up anymore. A few years go by and I gradually got down to chubby again. I got pregnant again. This pregnancy was hard. It caused me to vomit ALL the time. After the birth I noticed I barely ate at all. I started forcing myself to eat at regular times. I got bad pains in my stomach that I mistook for indigestion. I end up puking from the pains. I lost a lot of weight. I found out I had gallstones and had them removed. My eating habits became normal and I stayed a steady weight. A friend ended up moving in. That friend ate a lot. I ended up keeping up. It made me feel fat. I ended up binging and purging. This friend moved out. I no longer competed. Now I am still struggling with food. Sometimes I can't tell if I am hungry. Other times I can't tell if I'm full. No matter my size, I still feel fat. But thanks to my husband, I feel beautiful anyway. It doesn't matter what size I am because I do my best to be a good person and treat others how I would want to be treated. I have a lovely face, and a great shape. I am me. I will never not feel fat, and I'm ok with that.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010


i feel like writing about friendship today. the day i stopped being friends with my best friend. i knew it was coming. it always does. i can't keep friends long. but it's because i give more than i receive in a friendship. that might sound bad, so i will explain why that is. first off, i do make friends easily. i always try to be nice and i do my best not to judge. i am an empath, i will be writing more on this another time, so it makes it easy for me to determine someone else' mood. i give whatever i can. one clear example of me giving to a friend; i had a friend who wanted to get an abortion. i am against having an abortion as a form of birth control. she was willing to risk having a baby. and i feel that, unless you are forced to have sex,  you should have to keep what you decided to do. but i never said to her how i felt. instead i went with her to the clinic. she ended up keeping the baby, to my relief. that friendship ended about a year later when we both had little babies learning to do things. she thought i was competing our children and she ended our friendship. i had no clue though until years later when i was told about it. i never competed them against one another. of course though, everyone will notice what their child does and what they don't. i didn't compare them anymore than thinking, my daughter is learning to talk and my friend's child to walk. it never went further than that. that's just how they were learning and i found it normal and that they were equally learning things from different parts of their brains. but hey that friend can think what she will.
another instance of a different friend taking more than giving; i had a friend that i had met around the time i got my first real job. i noticed that she was a little flaky. so i didn't expect too much from her. she would call and say she's coming over and then not show up or even call. well, after a few months of us being friends, she calls to tell me that she wants to take my daughter and me out. so i wait. and wait. finally i decide that if she isn't going to come that i will take my girl to the park. so i call this friend. she doesn't answer. so i wait more. finally it is too late to go anywhere with my little one, so i call again. a friend of my friend answers and says that my friend is busy. i tell her to tell my friend that if she wasn't going to come over to at least call. i have a child and i can't stop everything and wait around for her. she stopped being my friend after that.
now i have lost my best friend. this same friend from the first paragraph. we recently came into contact a few months ago. we became good friends again. i found out she was having at home problems. she then moved into a worse situation. so i offer her and her child to move with us. we got along well for a couple of months. then i start to notice things that bothered me about the kids and their behavior. so i bring it up. but i end up feeling only half heard. well, one day i notice my daughter's behavior had changed and it upset me. so i tried to bring up a solution with my friend. she didn't like that i brought up her child so she brought up mine. it upset me so i tried to hold my temper, which caused me to use a "tone" of voice she didn't like. i then almost blew up because not only had i not been listened to in previous situations, but she brought up my daughter's behavior and then told me she didn't ;like my tone. so i stormed out of the house. keep in mind that 6 people are crammed into a tiny 1 bedroom apartment. so i get out side and she comes out after me. i had nowhere to go because i had to go outside since this started in the living room, my room. i then feel cornered and i let out my fury. i was out there to calm down because i knew i would explode and it wouldn't be pretty. well, after this friend leaves for the weekend for all of us to cool off, i write her a note that i say sorry and i try to explain myself without accusing her. two days go by and she is doing everything in her power to not speak to me. i write another note to her apologizing again and explaining how i want to still be friends. she continues avoiding me. even going so far as to keep the kids separated. it only hurts her son since i have two kids that can play together. so i finally decide that i can't live like this so i write a letter asking if she is going to try to mend things because i had made two attempts to mend. i also asked if she would be moving out so i know whether or not to keep looking for a bigger place. she still acts like she doesn't want to be here. so i finally talk with her and find out she is moving. so i let her know that i feel she is ungrateful of the fact  that my husband and i were sleeping on a living room floor to help her out. then i find out about her thinking i was competing the kids and all. i just feel like i give so much into a friendship and i always get screwed. no one has been there for me when i truely needed it. ooohhh you listened to me complain a couple times. so freaking what!!! if you weren't around, i'd complain at the walls! it's called venting! duh. but what did you really do for me in our friendship? jack squat! i wish there was two of me so i could have a friend that i need and deserve.
there are many more stories i could write about but for now i am done since i have the beginnings of a hand cramp. i think i am not meant to have real friends. i am only to have a acquaintances. no one understands me other than my husband, and i fear that will never change...

Friday, November 26, 2010

being sick

i feel like writing about being sick because i have recently been. i don't like to feel less than my best ever so it irritates me to feel i have to depend on others when i am ill. when i was a little girl living with my grandparents, i would get sick every year after my shots. my grandma would keep me on bed or couch rest and stuff me full of medicine and chicken noodle soup. i always felt like i was sick forever. when i got older, i moved back in with my parents. and my mom had a different method of taking care of me when i was sick. she would get me all the comfy blankets she could find and make me a "nest" to cozy in. then she would MAKE my father take her out to pick up a can of 7up and a cheeseburger from mcdonalds. and every time, no matter what type of sick, sniffles to barf, i would feel better the next day. although a downfall to this "remedy" is that when ever i have a 7up, i start to feel queasy....

first memory

my first few memories are a lot like clips from movies when i recall them. only the clips have inner dialogue that help me understand things i have been through. my very first memory is from around the age of two. i remember thinking my diaper was uncomfortable. i look around the room. there is a really big brown bottle that i pick up. and that's it. another memory from around the same time i have is my micro machines on the floor. i remember looking at them and thinking daddy said no touch, but they're mine, mommy said. and those are the first two memories i have. both i was still in diapers, which i was potty trained by three.

Friday, November 5, 2010

hello hello

i have decided that a topic i really enjoy is... well, it's me! i love myself and everything in my life. and i thought, if i feel like writing, what better to write about. so here i am typing away. a little about myself; i am 25 years old. i am happily married and have two wonderful little girls. i am a gemini. i like that i have to wear glasses and that my hair is always doing it's own thing. i haven't always been as happy or full of pride, like i am now. and i feel it's about time people find out what my life has been like, and how i managed not to go down the wrong path. (well, down it fully) so... yeah i will start where i feel and stop when i feel. and that's what it is. more to come, when time permits...